Glutton for PWNishment


Ernest Hemingway: The Most Marketable, Tourism-Ready, Drunk Writer
November 29, 2009, 1:13 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Ernie and Cat, originally uploaded by spraynardkreuger.
Does it seem odd that Ernest Hemingway, early twentieth century literary powerhouse and alcohol enthusiast, is every Dad’s favorite guy? Something about Ernie’s rugged, outdoorsy persona makes big game fishermen and Cabela’s shoppers weak at the knees. ”Pappa” is also a boon for tourism bureaus. The Florida Keys, Northern Michigan, everyone wants a piece of Ernest’s grizzled essence. Makes me wonder how many daddly guys who go to Sloppy Joe’s and buy a t-shirt have even read “Hills Like White Elephants,” or any book for that matter.
Lucky vacationers can even take tours to see where Hemingway lived, loved and boozed. Take the Key West Ernest Hemingway tour, for example. The kiddies will love the three legged cats and older teens will love anecdotes about drunken nights and womanizing. It’s interesting to me that Ernest Hemingway is such a bankable commodity. Not many modern writers have riled up enough popularity to remain a cultural meme decades after their deaths. Lucky Ernie even gets to be the centerpiece for many marketing and merchandise schemes.
Why not give your favorite relative a t-shirt, coffee mug or any other number of gifts featuring our dead pal from the annals of Lost Generation literature. Forget the books, who needs those.



Bad Art Has A LOT in Common With Screensavers
November 22, 2009, 11:22 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized
Bad Desktop Wallpaper, originally uploaded by spraynardkreuger.

Carlos Jimenez didn’t get the message that art wasn’t his forte. Maybe he’s ambitious. His storefront on North Avenue in the Wicker Park neighborhood would lead you to think so. Obviously, his aim is high, either way. After all, he uses the “old master’s technique,” as his website asserts.

Still, his grotesquely colorful, abstract paintings have more in common with Microsoft Windows desktop backgrounds and bad ‘80s prog rock album covers than Goya or Rembrandt. That is, unless you are referring to the packaging for the Latin food brand or the toothpaste.

Just about everything about Jimenez’s work is grandiose, over-the-top and otherworldly. His paintings are about themes as universal as the “beautiful representation of earthy essences.” They are bestowed with evocative, visionary titles like Jazz Flowers, Red Genesis, The Voyage and Phoenix. It’s easy to see where Jimenez is taking us – probably somewhere magical in outer space, possibly on a sparkly starship.

Phoenix in particular showcases Jimenez’s predilection toward “dimensions and parallel universes.” The painting might be alternately titled Floating, Crimson Pinball Watches a Sunset on a Vacation in Scottsdale, Arizona in a more honest universe. In the foreground, a luminescent, reflective marble alights what looks like a hazy, orange mountain range. Clearly, perspective is a problem here. Is the pinball rising to meet the rays of the sun? Is it actually emanating these rays?

Attraction, or Bath Beads’ March to the Apocalypse, is another study in the versatility of hovering, red globes. Dozens of glimmering spheres ascend to the upper extreme of the canvas toward a mysterious, golden glowing light. It could be a sea of cough drops. It could be a horde of bouncy balls careening down to a certain death. Mostly, this cartoonish depiction just makes for trite viewing.

Red Horizon is a clear choice to complete Jimenez’s “abstract red shapes moving around and doing things” series. A flowing plateau of cherry and strawberry Twizzlers cascade into a spackled marigold plane and give the painting a strange sense of dynamic motion.

Obviously, there is a demand for multi-tonal, ethereal mentalscapes such as these. How else would Jimenez maintain such an impressive spread? Hospitals, institutional office spaces and spacey, new age art patrons have empty walls with space to fill. There are those among us that need a scenic image of what an Enya, Yanni or Enigma song might look like.

If anything, Jimenez’s treatment of light in his colorful homages to geometry is, after all, visually interesting. He creates a glowing warmth around the cascading spheres, rods and rectangles that punctuate his not-of-this-landscapes. Sunburst Nebula, while dubiously titled, creates the deep, hot appearance of a shining sun or moon or star.

The Jazz Flowers series also contains accessible works, highlighted by fields of dotted floral scenery. Swirling clouds in a blue sky hover above the grass, buds and blossoms. While the image of shards of flora may not be the kind of art that shapes political or cultural discourse, it certainly is pretty.

But the nagging sense of cheesiness and contrived outer space imagery of Jimenez’s works make them look more like posters or sci-fi book sleeves than paintings. Or maybe the cover of a silly calendar. He may be aiming for the celestial with his many nebulas, stars, floating orbs, planets and explosive fields of color but his paintings are not out of this world.

If Carlos Jimenez is taking us far away in his red spaceship to an orange planet with foggy hills and floating balls, he better bring enough jet fuel to take us back to earth. You can only stand so much time inside an Asia album cover in a field of golden marbles before turning into L. Rob Hubbard or a glimmering space alien. Jimenez might not be a capable painter but he may find success in a variety of other vocations: pulp novelist, greeting card designer, ball collector. The possibilities, like the universe, are endless.

DISCLAIMER: The photo above is not Carlos Jimenez’s work. But you can compare and contrast with his real paintings at your leisure, since it IS a Microsoft wallpaper image.



Remember Lisa Frank?
November 15, 2009, 9:58 pm
Filed under: Pet Friends | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Lisa Frank Cat, originally uploaded by spraynardkreuger.

Remember all of those charming little folders and gorgeous stickers from our childhood? Lisa Frank is definitely emblematic of the youth of a certain set of young women who grew up in the 1990s.  I miss those days when all you needed to be cool was a shiny, iridescent folder and a love of unicorns. Social mobility was marked by nothing more than school supply choice in those days. Ahh, even the commercials were better:



Now, Why Would You Do That?
November 8, 2009, 4:53 pm
Filed under: Dumb Criminals | Tags: , , , , ,

We’re all guilty of breaking the law. Zoning ordinances, imbibing of questionable substances, traffic violations. It’s pretty commonplace. But there are those that take crime to a whole new level. The most moronic of less-than law abiding citizens. The stupid criminal. Obviously, they can fall into a few different classes:

Conspicuous Much?: Hey, guy. You’re breaking the law. In broad daylight. On a well-traveled street. In plain sight of a cop car. While wearing a rainbow unitard. And you’re shouting obscenities.

Ruuuuude: Yup, it looks like that cop is writing you a parking ticket/pulling you over/handcuffing you and throwing you forcefully into the cruiser. I don’t think you’re going to do much for your case by ripping off your wife-beater in drunken anger while shouting, “I’m innocent!”

Just…What?: Maybe you could’ve gotten away with what you were doing. Completely fine. But guess what. For example, you were drunk then called the cops on yourself like this Rhode’s scholar:

But that lovely gem has nothing on the alpha and omega of silly criminals who embodies all the best markers of idiocy. You have to give it to him for his tenacity though:




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