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Filed under: Crazy Christians, Uncategorized | Tags: bigot, brother micah, evangelical, idiot, quotes, zealotry
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“I’m not against women going to school as long as they take the right classes.”
“In America, maybe 5% [of people are going to Heaven.]“
“Gangster rappers, Hollywood movie watchers and rock’n’rollers are wicked and they love violence. And God abhors them.”
“Most people are going to go to Hell, according to Jesus.”
“When your penis gets hard, you don’t stick it in her mouth, you don’t stick it in her anus, you stick it in the vagina. That’s where it goes.”
“The Surgeon General has determined that sodomy is dangerous to your anus.”
“Jesus said ‘Masturbators go to Hell.’”
“Most Protestants in America are going to Hell. They’re not real Christians.”
“Martin Luther King Jr. was an adulterer, he’s in Hell. Mother Teresa is probably in Hell. Gandhi was an idolater. He wouldn’t even have sex with his wife.”
(In song) “It’s not OK to be ga-ay, it’s not OK to be a homo. You shouldn’t be that wa-ay, God says ‘it’s a real big no-no. It’s not OK to be gay, it’s not OK to be a homo. It’s not in your DNA, what you need is to be converted.”
“Not all the girls out here are whores, just most of them. A woman that is a whore is one that has premarital sex.”
“Brother Micah used to be a whore monger. A whore monger is a guy who has sex with girls he’s not married to.”
Filed under: Crazy Christians | Tags: bigot, brother micah, college, crazy christian, evangelical, jesus, ohio university, preacher, sister elizabeth
When a baby’s born, the doctor doesn’t say,’Congratulations, you’re the proud parent of a bouncing baby homosexual.’
My new favorite cult/Evangelical/religious fanatic is Brother Micah. Move over, Warren Stedd Jeffs. Stand aside, Jim Jones. My current ecclesiastical obsession is the incomparable Mr. Micah Armstrong. For those of you not lucky enough to have experienced this unique event in “open air” preaching and vehement bigotry, Armstrong is just one of a host of fundamentalist preachers touring colleges across the country. He hopes to rid quads everywhere of mortal sins like “whore mongering” and “gangster rap music.”
Micah Armstrong is a dramatic little man, clad in suspenders and a Camelbak, (damning everyone to everlasting hellfire can leave one mighty parched.) His voice projects abrasively over the many impassioned, usually tie-dyed liberal college students who assemble near him to taunt and “debate” him. He recently came back to Athens, Ohio, much to my delight, to sow more seeds of love for Christ. Here’s why he’s so “God-damned” great:
The “is this real” factor: When Brother Micah visited the OU campus a couple years back, I was convinced that he was either a.) part of some elaborate scam to garner civil lawsuits b.) part of a documentary/performance art type of experiment or c.) a dude with quite the sense of humor. Option a just annoyed me but the prospect of b or c seemed reason enough to watch his spiteful College Green performances.
Drama of the Gospel: Nothing excites me more than riled up zealots. Their so cute with their “morality” and “ideals,” not to mention their choice of costume. Brother Micah reminds me of a Mormon missionary with his rigged-up backpack and nifty business casual slacks. It’s just adorable how diluted he is. Not to mention, Brother Micah is a true performer. He jumps, he shouts, he uses the slur “homo” as often as some people say “like.” He really knows how to be a hyperbole of Christianity.
Sister Elizabeth: A major draw for Brother Micah’s shows is his unbelievable wife, Sister Elizabeth. She likes to wear sun hats. She adopts a uniform of long skirts and sneakers. She preaches too! Brother Micah might seem like he’s bluffing when spouting his unfounded and offensive commands for women to “sanitize diapers and stay in the kitchen. But oh no, my friends. Sister Elizabeth is here to confirm what you doubted. There is a woman who willingly* submits to this suspendered baffoon. Not to mention, she has a screeching-cat-getting-sodomized tone to her voice as well as a bangin’ bod.
He Brings Everyone Together: Whether you’re a Muslim, a GLBT activist or an overweight bob-sledding ginger, chances are Brother Micah’s massively archaic and paradoxical stances on life will rub you the wrong way. A couple years back, I observed jocks, hippie burn outs, townies, sportos and even fellow Christians conspire to collectively pummel this man. I can’t imagine anything, (besides drinking or smoking weed), that unifies such a divergent group.
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